Ants on thy table are thy enemy
Ants on thy table are thy enemy
I want you and this beautiful moment #jessemccartney #concert @jessemccartney
내 친구가 날 갖고 놀았어. 물론 내 실수야. 그래, 너 돈 많이 벌어라.
하지만, 대신 내 장례식에는 절대 오지마.
우린 안 적 없어.
복수할 사람 목록에 이름 안 적었어.
내 머릿속에서 나가. 부탁이야.
나도 나쁜 기집애야. 적어도 누구에겐.
대신 우정이라면 아니지 구두쇠는.
ㅎㅎ. 너 만족해나봐.ㅎㅎ.
I got email scammed today. Name. Address. Social Security. Credit Card. Everything. Is it because I was stupid in the first place. Did I deserve the extra anxiety. The thing I hate the most is being double crossed. Cheated. By others. The fucker that did this to me. I didn’t need it.
Called my dad. He answered. But told me he was putting me on hold because his work was on the other line. Called my sister. Told me to hang up. Called my mom. Was told how stupid could I possibly be to hand out information like that. I don’t know I said but I’m trying to fix this problem in the best adultish way I could. But I didn’t cry or yell. I just panicked and ran out the door. I was walking so fast. A car beeped at me. I couldn’t hear.
I reached a Carvel. The guy smiled at me. I didn’t smile back and he turned his upside down. I needed ice cream. God even if it was alone I needed ice cream. I asked for chocolate and strawberry. But the guy somehow thought I wanted it in two cups. Paid $9 and realized I didn’t know why I had a paper bag with $9 worth of heavy ice cream. I had no where to go. No one to go to. I just wanted someone to let me cry on them so I didn’t have to do it alone. So I just walked aimlessly with the bag of ice cream in my fist hoping I’d find somewhere.
By 8pm, my ice cream completely melted but at least it wasn’t like me. It didn’t die alone. Chocolate had strawberry
Everything can feel like a never ending nightmare within a long lasting dream. Where everything felt okay during the day but my heart ached at night. I closed my eyes and saw darkness that bore all the scars. My heart pumped the same blood that pulsed through my veins, to remind me that I still had the qualities of a raw human being- I was suppose to make mistakes and feel pain. So I took another breath of bravery as I led myself back into the tunnel that held erratic archives of memories. I looked back. I was 7 years old. I looked forward. I was eternal. There were lights coming from the end of the tunnel and they were flashing right at me. Was it an exit or was it a train warning me to run back to where I first started? The thought that haunted me the most was that either options would have been fine. I heard desperate clicking and nonstop whirring. Maybe it was me having another nightmare but I knew once I woke up, I would remember it as another problem I couldn’t fix.
I’ll return one day. In the meantime, I need to seriously repent and reflect. Until I become a human being who can face everyone confidently with a smile on my face. When I no longer am an anchor to everyone else’s happiness and continuously hurting myself in ways nobody but myself will ever notice. Until every little thing in my life no longer serves as a reminder that I still have sores in my heart or that I’m still capable of hatred and negative feelings because I don’t want to feel the defeated self kind of feelings instead. After all, tlist is all I have. I never thought I would leave because I never had the confidence to. You have become my horcrux and my soul is definitely damaged in the greatest way. I know everyone can go on without me. It’s not even a question. I am no biggie. It hurts me to leave but it hurts me to stay. I feel so lost and ashamed that I can’t belong the way I want to. I can’t even smile for you guys, the only ones I love so much. After the 28th, it made me fully comprehend how alone I am. I’ve been feeling and suppressing so much for I dont know whats sake, and I can’t scream out this pain. I need to close myself in before I end up hurting someone else. I don’t want tlist to become a broken memory because of the fragments I created. I lost too much already.
I hope this gets passed on from Amy or Courtney because this will be my last message. 🎈Always Keep The Faith🎈
the look of “holy shit, did Snape just side with us?!”